Bryan K. Fleming Blogs

April Fools

Was it April Fool's?
What a crazy pre April Fool's night. I have had many crazy nights during my time as a DJ. I have a few books out through my publisher of those adventures. This is mild on the list, but still out of the ordinary. I started the day walking into the aftermath of the owner's husband, still railing from kicking the bartender's boyfriend out. He always is calm and respective to me, so I shouldn't put him down. Still, I will, cause that's me. I see him in there too much. Either drinking his girl's tip money away or skimming free drinks from her. I only speculate that because they are broke, hurting for money and he is always drinking. Plus he has had 2 outbursts when she was working and one, is way too many.
The head chef had just transferred his duties over to the night cook and was planning to get his alcoholic buzz on. He disappeared into the dusk as I prepared for my early show. Only 11 showed up this week. I know what you might be thinking. Eleven....seriously.
But this is not your regular DJ gig. This is my unique trivia night. That's 11 people that came out. Sat patiently while I finished setting up. Then sat through me running my mouth for 2.5 hours straight. Listening to every stupid thing I said. Every mispronunciation I spoke. Well I do pay them. Maybe that's why. Anyway after the game and my first group of patrons heads out. My late night crowd starts to roll in. Of course the objective is to keep the early and make them late. It happens, but most trivia fans are there for trivia. I added karaoke after because that is another thing the knowledgeable drinkers like to do. One of my teams was a bachalorette party that I feel real bad for. They made it through a few rounds and then it was a task to talk over them for the rest of the game. That's not why I feel bad tho. I was suppose to do her wedding reception, but I am out of the country on my yearly excursion to the Caribbean. She has had to hire one of the worst djs in the area. That's hurts me. I do not wish that on any bride or any wedding guest that will have to put up with him. I know that sounds bad to say and I really like him and support him, but he breaks most of my major rules for being a DJ. He plays what he likes. He hates requests and usually blows them off. He stays completely quiet and has no personality on the mic. Besides that, great guy. So my acquired lesbian crowd rolls in with their normal inner drama. I inherited this crew of up to 25 from another bad KJ in the area that I wont get started on. Karaoke kicked off with it's normal craziness. A drunk idiot, who I almost got into it with at the end of the night for calling him a drunken asshole on the mic. Yea I did. He put his hand on my booth and almost took everything down. My Ipad smashed the floor and thankfully was damage free.
So by this time Chef Drunkardi has returned 5.5 sheets to the wind. He asked me if I had any weed to get him high. Whether I did or didn't. It wasn't happening and after what he did after that. Thank God I didn't have to have that on my conscious. He went home a few buildings away. Then called the Bar and said he was having a heart attack. So being the only employees were my adopted step daughter behind the bar and the cook. Chef Bam has had 4 prior attacks. So I guess he knows what he's talking about. Still 911 is a better number than the bar. After 20 min of confusion. The owner shows up as his ambulance. Now at the same time. A street walker has walked onto the patio to annoy everyone. The bar is located on a downtown walking mall that attracts every type. My bartender says she can't deal with him and sends the cook out to escort his non bathed ass off the property. Moments later, one of the people smoking on the patio comes in to the call of "This dude is having a seizure outside."
I go outside to see a vagrant sitting in the midst of 8 concerned women. He gave me the most devious smile. A smile that a seizure victim would not be showing by a long shot. I said "Dude, you are not allowed on the property. So if you're having a seizure. You need to go over there and will call you a rescue squad." I get the mean looks from everyone of course. Then someone says they just called 911. Here we go. Wait do you mind stopping a few building back and picking up the cook too? Now we have a call on the police record to the bar. I go inside and start shutting down and packing up, because I know which squad is coming. It might have red lights, but it also has blue lights. By that time a K9 unit shows up and another 2 man squad shows up. Not asking anything. They simply tell him to turn around as they cuff and stuff him in the cruiser. TWO Emergencies in less than an hour. Then my night finishes with talking down a drunk who's main argument is he is not drunk. I don't know him and I surely don't know what he is capable of.
Ended up making money, having some well deserved drinks and bringing some fun to a small crowd of 40 dedicated fans.

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